When a country has become so demoralized, my boy, that a chap of good family and elegant language, like myself, can be familiarly addressed in that way, just as though he were a President and entitled to no respect, it is high time for some sort of change. Not wishing to conceal anything from those members of Congress who have a right to know all about the letters we receive, I may as well observe that "Weed the nobs and bone the swag" means, literally, " Equivocate, like any commercial advertiser, with the nabobs around you, and get them to bet with you." Such counsel I treat with contempt; and, as I am a happy and unmarried man, I have, of course, no mother-in-law to support. As for my letters to female acquaintances, I never penned one that I would not be perfectly willing to have incorporated with the Congressional Impeachment Report; and such ladies as have recently written to me for subscriptions to the "Old Women's Home," or "Lady's Club," are cheerfully referred to that Report for rescripts of such replies as they may otherwise fail to receive.
So, after two postponements and three trials, the Great Transformation Scene has finally failed to work ! Seven machinists, at the very last moment, become convinced that the drama is immoral, and refuse to co-operate ! Just before the first postponement I saw one of them,
A simple soul,
That lightly draws its pay. And mileage earns with every limb.
What should it vote but " Nay " ?
I met a little Senate-man;
He would not be sold, he said ; The air was thick with many a curse,
That clustered round his head.
He had a Western, prairie air,
And he was wildly clad ; His wink relieved my stony stare ; -
It really made mo glad.
" Votes for aquittal, Senate-man,
How many may you be ? " - " How many ? Seven in all," he said,
And wondering looked at mo.
" And where are they ? I pray you tell".
He answered, " Seven are we ; And some of us to Westward dwell,
And one in Tennessee.
" Two of us farther Eastward lie.
In politics twin-brothers; And for a mess of pottage, I Would vote with them and others".
" You say that some to Westward dwell,
And one in Tennessee, Yet ye are seven ? - I pray you tell,
Good man, how this may be".
Then did the Senate-man reply, "Seven clearing votes are we;
Two of us from the East and West, And one from Tennessee".
" You turn about, my Senate-man,
Your words my reason rive; If two are from the loyal States,
Then ye are only five".
" Their votes are green, as will be seen,"
The Senate-man replied, "The board of Chase is their dining-place,
And they are side beside.
" My eyebrows there I often knit,
My scruples there I' Hem!' And there upon a chair I sit,' -
I sit and talk to them.
" And often after sunset, sir,
When it is light and fair, I take my little conscience, too,
And have it settled there.
" The first that caved was Fessenden,
Who raised a moaning lay, Till he released him of his pain,
By speaking half a day.
" So for Acquittal it was said,
His vote was high and dry, Together round that vote we played,
My brother Grimes and I.
" And when the ground was safe, you know,
And we could backward slide, Fowler and I felt forced to go,
And there Lie by his side".
" How many are you, then," said I, " If two should fail you, even ? "
The Senate-man did yet reply, "O Mister! we are seven".
" But they have said, those two have said,
Their votes would not be given?" Twas throwing words away: for still,
The Senate-man would have his will, And said, " Nay, we are seven !" *
Wordsworth? Alas! what'are words worth to express anguish at the failure of that Great Transformation e ? Where is the Ben Wade who was to have appeared figured in that scene, - elevated to the head of a e " seven " Republican senators voting " Not Guilty " were: Fessenden, of s; Fowler, of Tennessee; Grimes, of Iowa; Henderson, of Missouri; Boss, asas; Trumbull, of Illinois; and Van Winkle, of Western Virginia. Public il absurdly accused Chief Justice Chase of swaying two or three votes, I the trial, by the fascinations of his dinner-table; and up to the last mo-Boss and two others were regarded as pledged to Impeachment. - Ed.
Redeemed nation, rising like a John Phoenix from his ashes! Were I a Whittier person, I should remark of the Presidency : - Of all the sad words of tongue, or pen, the saddest are these - It might have Ben. But, as it is, I can but sing: Wade down upon the Swanee river, far, far away.
Believing that the above remarks are sufficiently in the school of that ecstatic morning journal, the New York " Times," to render it utterly impossible for the most acute intellect to infer from them anything detrimental to my future political interests, no matter which side may finally win, I hasten back to the commencement of the present week and the fine old Southern family of Munchausen.
At the breakfast-table, on Tuesday morning, Captain Munchausen paused a moment over his hoe-cake, and says he, -
" In honor of our guest, the suitor for our sister's hand, the Chevalier Pendragon Penruthers, I propose that eft-soons we proceed in knightly pageant to that haunt of losel Yankees, where a convention of black-and-tan emancipated terriers will this day nominate a military Vandal for next President of our-ha! ha! - common country".
Penruthers was looking quite gallantly in a black silk basque, lent him by his affianced, a pair of red flannel inexpressibles, and a pair of white kid gloves; and says he,-
" Now, by my halidome, I would not miss the sight, an' it were even more base-born. Pass me the hoe-cake, thou Yankee varlet".
"Grammercy," says Captain Villiam Brown, after the manner of an ancient nobleman; "an' thou speak to me again in that way, my fren', I'll crack thy costard".
" Pax vobiscum, gentle sirs," quoth Loyola Munchausen. " Let us not quarrel with these Northern churls".
Matilda Munchausen tossed her head so that two hairpins fell into my tin plate, and says she,-
" Oh, that some knight would do a feat of derring-do upon these losel wights, ere they should sit at wassail board with us at all!"
"Matilda! Matilda!" expostulated Captain Munchausen, gloomily, " eat your hoe-cake in silence. It ill becomes our superior race to make our sufferings audible to churlish ears".
Thus in knightly conversation passed the meal, at the conclusion of which the snuff-colored Hambletonian of P. Penruthers, Esquire, was hitched with trunk straps to the family carriage, marked "U. S. Ambulance;" and we all rode merrily to the building in which the Convention was being held. Owing to the high price of brown stone and white marble, just now, in the sunny South, this imposing edifice had been rapidly constructed of fence-rails and condemned horse blankets. Its order of architecture was what might be technically termed the no-Capital Corinthian; and over the entrance waved a national flag which gave evidence of having been economically fabricated from a torn sheet, a red flannel shirt, and a pair of blue overalls. Soap-boxes had been placed on end in the interior for the accommodation of delegates and visitors; and upon these we seated ourselves just as the Chaplain arose to preface the vote with a devout petition.
The good man prayed that all persons there assembled, whatever their hue and cry, might be brought to vote as they had been told to, and to give up all their bad habits and -
Here the Hon. George Washington arose to a point of privilege; but was taken down again.
The Chaplain went on to express the hope that these delegates, and all other delegates whatsoever, might be taught to distrust their own wisdom, and to cease that excessive drinking which -
Hon. Tiberius Caesar here moved the previous question, and was at once obliged to move it back again.
Instead of proceeding with his devotions, the Chaplain now complained that the Hon. Caius Gracchus was "making eyes at him." Even as he spoke, a putty-ball, thrown by the Hon. Numa Pompillius, smote him on the nose; whereupon he descended from his soap-box in great agitation and promptly engaged the latter delegate in single combat.
These preliminaries being settled, it was then proposed that the Last General of the Mackeral Brigade be nominated by acclamation, and that a Platform be built for him. Both of which propositions were successful.
Yes, sir, both were enthusiastically indorsed; and if you expect me to say any more on the subject just now, you are doomed to disappointment. Throughout this whole letter I have displayed great political ability, and marvellous purity of motive, in endeavoring to walk on both sides of the way at once. To say another word about the above enthusiastic nomination on this occasion, would be to commit myself one way or the other; and I must peremptorily decline so doing. A splendid-looking, gloriously gifted, pure-minded young man is dependent upon me for support, and I must not risk his interests by too hastily taking sides. He, himself, richly deserves to be President, and his name is:
Orpheus C. Kerr.